So Saturday morning, I decided to enjoy some of the lovely weather we’ve been having lately, and spend an hour at the local park. It is without a doubt one of my favorite places in my town, and I have spent many happy hours wandering among the trees. There’s a broad spot in the river where otters can be seen playing in the water, and herons and other water birds fish.
Anyhow, after some well-spent time observing the plant life, I came to the playground area of the park, where there stands a large, and rather impressive wooden jungle gym. They don’t make them like this anymore. I have many pleasant memories of playing on such structures as a youth, and seeing one is almost like seeing an old friend. Many of our benevolent overlords have seen fit to tear down these monuments to childhood and replace them with more modernized, plastic structures, which are supposedly safer.
I remember during the most recent exercise in government-sponsored futility this playground was closed off to the public. This was, of course, a stupid idea. Children need to play outside to develop healthy immune systems. What happened was many people simply ignored the order and took their kids to the park anyway, which warmed my freedom-loving heart.
Anyway, as I passed by this edifice of play, I had the sudden, nearly uncontrollable urge to make a through it, Tarzan-yelling the whole way. I had to restrain myself, however, as I am much too large to fit on most of it and I would look ridiculous anyhow. Then a brilliant idea occurred to me: adult-sized playgrounds.
At first I thought it was kinda dumb, but then I realized that if adult playgrounds existed, maybe obesity wouldn’t be as big a problem as it is. As I do with most of my deranged thoughts, I tweeted it, expecting the possibility of ridicule.
What happened was the exact opposite. I received an outpouring of support from all over the world. People legitimately wanted adult-sized playgrounds to be a thing. I realized I had tapped into some forgotten longing within the human psyche: the need for play.
We’ve become rather boring as a society. We’ve sucked all the fun out of almost everything, including exercise. This is why people are depressed and out of shape; they don’t get to play on jungle gyms anymore. This is why parkour gyms and adventure parks exist; it’s for people who didn’t want to “grow up”.
So I doubled down. I’ve come to believe that if every town in America had an adult-sized jungle gym, we would be much happier as a nation. If I were to run for office, this would be part of my platform. This is my proposal to our governing officials: build adult-sized playgrounds now!