I like Christmas. I like the lights, the food, the gifts, that warm, jolly feeling everyone seems to get. But what I do not like is some of the music that is frequently played this time of year.
Strap on your snow boots, because I am about to drag your favorite “Christmas” songs through the mud. I am about to crush your soul, and bake it into cookies for Santa. So, in no particular order, here are the five worst “Christmas” songs ever.
5. All I Want For Christmas Is You
Universally hated by retail workers everywhere, this song makes me want to vomit under the mistletoe. Admittedly, this song has some appeal; it has a nice beat, after all. The tune is sort of catchy, and I suppose if you like the sound of sleigh bells and drill-press going through your skull, this is a great song.
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4. Feliz Navidad
If your goal was to write the most irritating “Christmas” song in the entire history of mankind, there is no way you could ever outdo Jose Feliciano.
This song has but one verse that repeats ad infinitum. Did the man just run out of ideas for lyrics or did he just have too much tequila that night? I will admit, however, that it’s a simple song that one could easily sing while under the influence of said tequila, and there’s nothing technically wrong with the lyrics.
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3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
YUP, I’M GONNA GO THERE WITH BELLS ON!!!
I hate this song with the burning passion of 10,000 Christmas lights. There is no end to my disgust for this particular popular Christmas ballad. It never mentions Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The tune makes me want to burn down a Christmas tree, and roast reindeer meat in the flames. The story is kind of stupid. So far as I’m concerned, it has no redeeming qualities. But if you enjoy it, I guess knock yourself out.
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2. Christmas Shoes
Nothing says “Christmas” like a song about dying people. This song is deliberately manufactured to tug at your heartstrings, which I suppose isn’t bad in itself, but it is heavy-handed, manipulative, ridiculously sentimental, and kind of tasteless. There’s even a depressing, badly directed music video. The tune is banal and uninteresting. It’s really weird that the kid thinks Jesus is going to be looking at this woman’s shoes. I will say, however, that at least it mentions Our Lord a couple of times. I’ll give ‘em that.
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1. Santa Baby
At the end of all things, when Our Lord Jesus Christ returns to judge the quick and the dead, this song will be tossed into the lake of fire along with the devil and his host. I hate this song so much, I will not even deign to post the link. It deserves to die. The inherent sexualized nature of something as innocent as Santa Claus makes my skin crawl. The tune sets my teeth on edge. If you like this song, you should be ashamed of yourself. You need therapy or something.
So what are some Christmas songs that you love to hate? Consider purchasing a subscription for only $5/month or a year’s subscription for $50 to contribute to the discussion. I want to hear your thoughts!
Until next time, have yourselves a wonderful holiday season, and I hope to hear from you soon.